(Part 1)
I’m a huge animal lover. Dogs to be exact. I can name almost any breed of dog, guess what a mutt is mixed with, and as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I browse the Pets section on Craigslist to look at puppies in my spare time.
It’s weird, I’m aware.
So, naturally, I’m a sucker for dog-lovers. Pretty much any mention of a pup in someone’s dating profile gets them a swipe right. I’m also a sucker for wit.
If you can talk shit better than me, it’s game over muchacho.
One swipe long-ago, I came across an engineer who we will call Jared.
Jared and I messaged back and forth, each of us one-upping each other with smart-ass comments, until we exchanged numbers. We texted daily for a month, but our schedules never seemed to line up.
I was legitimately cyber-dating.
The day finally came to meet this person who I’d spent so much time talking to.
The plan was pizza, beers, and a movie. I pulled up, parked, and was greeted by a tall, lanky man with a borderline unibrow.
Initial thought: “Okay—he’s a nerd. I can work with that.”
After all, based on our lengthy month of texting all day every day, I was certain that this one was a keeper.
The first hour was painfully awkward.
I quickly realized that he was very much involved with the online gaming community, and probably spent more time talking to people behind a computer screen than he did in person.
But get a few beers in me, and I could carry a conversation with Charlie Chaplin.
I may have gone one or two past “a few.”
My little turtle finally came out of his shell, and conversation was flowing.
Until he said,
“I feel like with dating you need to put all of your cards out on the table and let the person know everything wrong with you right from the beginning.”
Oh boy.
Jared started off telling me about his childhood, and proceeded to tell me the following story of his life:
His mother was kidnapped and raped by a powerful Russian mafia member who was on the run. He impregnated her, and she ran away from this dangerous man, who had deep, deep ties to cartels in Russia.
She put her baby up for adoption, and he was adopted by a Mexican family, who named him Juan Navarro.
So 6’4” blonde, blue-eyed Jared Hunter as I knew him, was really Juan Navarro…
He said he had always felt different growing up. As if he had a sixth sense. Then came his 12th birthday, a full moon.
He had agonizing pain, and was filled with rage. Until he looked in the mirror…
He was a Werewolf.
When he looks in the mirror, he sees himself with claws, his body covered in fur.
He has primal desires to eat copious amounts of meat.
He has slammed his bushy tail in the door before, and it really hurts. He can also speak to other canines.
Jared said when he came out as a werewolf to his parents, they wouldn’t accept it. So he hot-wired a car, and drove away.
Until he came across a group of people in the middle of the woods. He had found a pack of fellow werewolves. He spent the next year roaming the woods with “his pack.”
But then he decided he wanted to start going to community college.
He met a girl at school, whose dad was a recruiter for the FBI. He was recruited to go to Afghanistan undercover and set up all of their computer systems.
He lived in this warehouse setting up high-tech computer systems for the military until he was told that the whole time, there were nuclear weapons in the warehouse, and he was never supposed to have been staying there.
Because of the radiation from the nuclear weapons, he only had 5 years left to live…
Meanwhile, I had slammed two more beers and two slices of pizza in order to avoid having to say anything, and to keep my jaw from physically hitting the floor.
All I could manage to get out of my mouth was,
“Thats a lot.”
I proceeded to turn on John Mulaney’s standup routine on Netflix. Then I made out with the werewolf.
…Part 2 to be continued
Dicks and Donuts 