Dear Millennial Men,
I know you’re tired of hearing it. You’ve got to be sick of hearing us say that “chivalry is dead.” I’m sure you think that any woman who feels this way must be just another spited feminist. But here’s the thing—it really is dead. Unless you fall into the less than 5% of men who still have old-time values, to whom I say:
Sorry, but the majority of your bros are royally fucking things up for you good guys.
We live in a world where the accessibility of new, beautiful, interesting women is as simple as swiping right through a stream of strategically selected, filtered photos. A world where your interest in a potential new woman can be either sparked or snuffed out by how original and witty her opening line is. Because it is also a world where, at the swipe of a thumb, you can scroll through a selection of women served to you on a platter via Bumble, and where you just have to sit back and wait for the messages to start rolling in.
Maybe because of how simplified and accessible dating has become, you’ve started also resorting to seeking simplified and accessible when it comes to the level of effort you have to put in. But I am telling you this: While times have changed, the wiring of a woman has not.
So put in some damn effort and woo us, you lazy ass.
Nowadays, men don’t woo, they swipe.
Telling a woman over text how you are going to sweep her off her feet is not chivalrous. Opening a door, showing up with flowers, paying for your dates—You know, shit your Dad had to do when he started dating your Mom simply because it was EXPECTED back then? That is.
When did it become stuck up or boujee for us women to expect that you open our door? That you pay for a meal when you’re the one who asked us out on a date? You don’t deserve sex, a cookie, and a gold star for doing these things—It’s called just being a damn gentleman.
I think you have become confused with a falsified idea of “modern-day chivalry.” “Modern-day chivalry” is not, and never will be a thing.
This modern-day chivalry could look like this, for example:
- Calling, instead of texting
- Picking me up for a date, versus meeting there separately
- Walking me to my car to say goodbye, versus standing at the door and giving me a quick hug
Then there’s texting me after a date to say you had a good time. Takes maybe 30 seconds to do, and with such a small gesture, you can make a girl feel valued and appreciated. It just makes her feel good—so do it.
I shouldn’t have to feel shocked when I actually receive a text back, or when you keep a date you planned. I shouldn’t get this excited feeling just because you call at a decent hour, rather than 1 AM just for sex. I shouldn’t feel like you MUST really be into me, just because you asked me questions beyond the typical, “How was work? How many siblings do you have? What’s your favorite food?” I shouldn’t feel like you’re an amazing guy with manners just because you didn’t ghost me.
Quite frankly, it’s bullshit.
Us women have seemingly lowered our standards of what we should expect from our dates. We shouldn’t be getting so excited over getting a text back! A reply should happen automatically just for the sake of respect for another person.
I’m sorry to say, but because of how things have strayed so far from these old-fashioned values us women still want and adore, that often times when we’re simply being respected, we start questioning if there is a hidden agenda or ulterior motive.
I know a lot of you men need examples, and so, as a learning lesson and service to you, I’ll put one of the assholes ruining things for you on blast.
One of my most gorgeous, career-oriented, hilarious, bubbly girlfriends met Alex from Bumble, and they met up at a restaurant for a date that he asked her on. A casual Taco Tuesday filled with initial small talk. Conversation and drinks were flowing, smiles were had by both.
And then the bill came.
I’m sure you can guess from the tone of the rest of my letter that I believe that men should pay for the date. If money is a concern, then he should have asked her to go on a damn picnic with peanut-butter sandwiches in Ziploc bags.
But, considering that this was a Taco Tuesday and not a Michelin-star restaurant, that he is the one who suggested the dinner and the place, and factoring in that the guy worked as a Software Engineer in Los Angeles— I think we can all assume that money was not an immediate pressing struggle for him that night.
He paid the bill, she thanked him for the date, and they went their separate ways. Moments later, she gets a phone call from him. He is utterly disgusted that she didn’t reach for her purse when the check came, and demands that she send him $50 for her portion of the bill.
NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. BRO.
Now, he could have decided simply to call the date a wash, decide not to take her out again, and move on. (His loss anyways) But no.
He sends her a Venmo request with this classless note:
She blocks the loser, deletes him from social media, and vents to her friends about the audacity this asshole has.
But of course he still doesn’t let this go.
Since she blocked him, he decides to MESSAGE HER MOTHER ON FACEBOOK…
Guys, you’ve gotta be better than this.
Better yet, I command you to be better than this. Be the redeeming dude from our generation. Open the door for your date. Compliment her on how nice she looks. Look her in the eyes when you’re talking to her—act interested. Send her a goodnight text telling her you had a good time. Chivalry is dead, and it’s up to you to bring it back.
Don’t be an Alex.